This is to new beginnings

I close my eyes as my fingers gently caress the smooth texture of this unturned page, slowly playing with indents of passionate writing and tracing over warped stains left by tear drops that wished to express themselves.

So much has been written and yet it feels somewhat incomplete. Hungry lines left empty, eagerly waiting to devour and eternalise more of this story.

I nod in silent agreement with these lines, the lack of a proper ending to this tale disturbs me. Yet inside I know that no further words are destined to find comfort here.

Fear washes over me as I realise the desperate calling for a new page, the beginning to a new story where even more lines wait patiently for the words I am still to pen.

I reach for the corner and hesitate, too afraid to break the bond between this page and the next. Fearful of what I am about to close off I wait...

As my pen lies motionless I am on hold... A slave to the words silently screaming for my soul. Sentences stringing together to tear at my healing wounds. Paused for a moment that appears to last an eternity my lungs burn, begging for the breath that will save me.

I long for the strength of a stranger to fight this internal battle on my behalf. Someone unconnected to break my connection with these words. Sadly, although powerless, only I possess what is needed to shut them off and continue...

I watch as darkness spreads over this page like an infectious disease, demons angrily trying to hold me back. Their wish being that I remain trapped, a prisoner to the emotions responsible for this story.

It takes a sacrifice of everything that is me. An acknowledgement of the scars I am to bear for eternity. An acceptance unlike any other. I close my eyes, allow the empty darkness to engulf me completely and terrified yet determined, I turn my page...

The unsteady dancing of a nervous heart is the only indicator that I am still alive. My eyes open slowly and I am taken aback by what lies before me. A pure, untainted canvas, opportunity etched in every grain. Excitement bubbles up from deep within. Finally I am free!

Overwhelmed, I weep. I weep for what has been lost and I weep for what I am still to discover. My tears are the first to speak on this new page, they form the foundation of the journey that lies ahead. This mixed cocktail of emotions tells of love, loss, heartache, betrayal, fear, joy, anger, excitement, pain, relief, acceptance and hope.

To me those tears are a collection of my everything; past, present and what is still to come. As these little pieces of me are slowly absorbed I smile, lift my pen and write...

"This is to new beginnings..."

So many questions

I lost sight of the future while I stared in your eyes.
I lost all direction, was confused by the lies.
I misplaced myself when you stole my heart.
I pushed you away while I pulled myself apart...

Did I love like I felt or was I confused?
Did you love like you said or was I just used?
Did we have something special or was it just a good tale?
Did you get what you wanted with an ultimate betrayal?
Did I ever make you happy or was I mislead?
Did you mean it when you kissed me or was it all in my head?
Did you have to leave me broken and alone?
Did you need to run away from all we had grown?

I hope it's enough to know that every tear I cry
Is just another piece of our empty goodbye...
So many questions and just enough lies
It's over
It's finished.
Were you ever "that guy"?

The Thunderstorm

Skies darken...

A deep argumentative rumble begins in the distance.

Clouds gather...

Angry Gods clash swords leaving bright jagged streaks across the grey.
I stand alone as the wind picks up, tugging forcefully at my hair.
Face upward, begging the heavens, i wait...

The damp makes it's way to my lungs, soothing an insatiable burning dryness.

It is time...

I close my eyes and savour the sweetness as the first droplets caress my lips.

A mournful ceremony ensues...

Tears from the sky mix with my own.
The thunderstorm purges it's excess,
Gathered from months of drought.

A renewal unlike any other...

I imitate nature and slowly...

I am cleansed...

Caught up

Depression has a way of eating at your soul
Devouring your very existence
Allowing your life to pass you day by day
Hiding from you time so quickly lost
Forever...
Seconds accumulate into minutes;
Which melt into hours;
Which soon form an army of days;
Days blur into weeks;
Which welcome the months
Maybe even years...

Precious moments slip away
Into a nothingness
A dead realm of now unthought, unattainable dreams...
Potential is lost
In the sea
Of self pity and hatred...
Smiles practice their handstands
And soon
Begin to prefer it that way...
Laughter realises it doesn't deserve a voice
And so he
Quietly shrinks into solitude...
Tears agree they need to explore,
Boycott their small, confining world,
Leap courageously over eyelashes,
Moist from those who failed the jump...
Only to settle in lip's creases,
To be absorbed
By Kleenex.

The mind fuels the fire
With it's God-given ability
To find
Every fault
Each imperfection
Anything "not normal"
One stray hair
One bump out of place
One missing piece
One thing that sets you apart
From the world of "beauty" (standards that don't even exist)
And you're sent plummeting into "the pit"

A place we send ourselves
As "personal punishment"
A place where darkness conceals us from the lies
A place where we are finally numbed
Knowingly oblivious to all we are...
Impossible to determine
Where you begin
Where you end...

It feels right -
Shut off from the world
Separate from the entirety
Saving everyone else from your disgusting
Excuse of the human form.

You are free!

Of course it hurts
Locking yourself away
But it feels so right...

It is right; isn't it?

You are free; aren't you?

Unfortunately depression has this way of eating at your soul
Devouring your very existence...
But the real truth is -

You allow your life to pass
You allow precious moments to slip away
You allow potential to be lost
You allow the effects of what others say

Stop!

For a few short seconds, look around.
There will always be someone worse off
So next time you wish to run and hide,
Try not to be so caught up in you...

I wish...

I wish that I was in your arms right now with my head pressed up against your chest.
Just to hear your strumming heart and steady breathing.
Both of which are music in my ears…
To be comforted in the fact that you are all I need.
With eyes closed I would freeze that moment for eternity, held fast in my memories.

I wish we were trapped beneath a blanket of black sky delicately dotted with twinkling stars.
Alone with nothing but our love to guide us.
Being able to gaze into your amazing blue eyes and know that that is exactly where I should be.
To slowly bring my lips to within an inch of caressing yours,
To inhale your scent and instantly know that life does have a purpose…

I wish for every second that I own to be consumed by your presence.
Those of my past. My present. My future.
Purely because…
I love you…